Intentional Intros

The other day I was meeting with a young woman, Hannah Fitzgerald, who now that she had completed her online degree was re-focusing on her website development business, Marvelous Web Media. She asked me about my book, Tell Me Exactly What to Say, as she wanted to know what it was about.  I told her that it is 33 networking conversations and that it had gotten started because one of my students, Rick Adkins, Oasis Senior Advisors, had asked how to introduce two people to each other.  Hannah, exclaimed, "I just found out not too long ago, that I need to say more about two people when I'm introducing them.  Always before I just said their names and then there was an awkward silence!"

I shared that yes, she could describe each one to the other using tidbits that she knows about them to spark the conversation.  Also, I shared that she is the host of this "event" and as such, she needs to let the two talk, but that if something important was not being mentioned, she could interject that fact.  At the end, she could again enter the conversation to summarize and encourage the next step these two people could take.

Hannah, stopped our conversation for a few seconds while she was obviously in thought.  Then she said, "I get it!  Networking has to be intentional!"

And that certainly sums it all.  If you just fly by the seat of your pants, networking will be fun, but if instead you have a plan of action, you will gain the results you want.

What to Say to the Event Organizer

In my new book, Tell Me Exactly What to Say,  one of the chapters is about how to introduce yourself to the person who organized the event you are attending.  The title of that person might be Executive Director or event chair.  It doesn't matter what the title is, it does matter that you realize how important that person can be to you.  Just think about it.  He or she knows everyone!  And if you have a connection, that could lead you to great new acquaintances.

One warning!  Don't brother that person when she is in the midst of craziness.  If she looks harried and stressed, you won't be remembered or worse, you will be remembered as the person who took her time when she didn't have any!

That chapter is on page 47 of the book.   Kristin Meyer, Executive Director for the Ohio-based, Maumee Chamber of Commerce, mentioned at a book ribbon-cutting, that she wished the 5 people who kept her from starting the "sit-down" portion of the lunch on time that day had read the chapter! 

What are your thoughts on this?

Peachy Networking

I took some time off on this past Monday morning to can peaches.  I had been busy all weekend with out-of-town guests and also a company picnic at our house.  Hence having to take some time "off" yesterday.  They are now done and I can get back to the office!

As I was going through the canning steps, I thought about how it was so like networking!  It seemed like it took a lot of time to gather all the appropriate tools and then to get the the syrup made, the peaches peeled and ready to go into the jars.  The last steps of jarring them and then placing them into the steaming water bath took the least time.  And of course eating them next winter will be the payoff for this effort.

When I think about strategic networking, as opposed general, free-form networking, (for me that means meeting with someone with an idea in mind of what I would like to accomplish) it is so very similar to processing peaches!  It takes a lot of time to develop all the resources needed to have a high level referral partner.  I have to make attempts to meet with new folks to winnow down the large group to a smaller few that can be groomed further.  Beyond that I have to determine ways that might be possible to work together.  All this needs to be done and also have time and money spent on that process.  Then and only then can I reap the benefits of having someone call me to say, "Hey, I have a referral for you."  Just like savoring peaches mid-winter AND just as satisfying!

What Would You Ask?

Not to long ago I sat with a women, we'll call her Susan, at a breakfast and when she found out what I did (helping people to get more referrals) she shared that even though she's been in her business for many years, she hasn't had much luck in getting referrals.  Susan said, "I ask my clients if they can refer when we're done with the project, but then I move on and they forget that I ever asked.  So nothing ever comes of it."  She asked if I had some input.

Susan's prospects happen to be CEO's of fairly large companies.  I asked her what else those CEO's buy or what other types of resources they link to.  Susan paused, fork in mid air and after several long seconds said, "I don't know."  So I of course asked her how she thought she could find out.  Again a long pause.  Again a repeat of the "I don't know" answer.  I then posed another question, "What about asking your CEO clients who they buy from?"  She turned and looked at me with that, "duh" look on her face that we've all had at some point when the obvious finally strikes.

As the referral/networking guru, I can explain this concept further and will in a future post.  This post however is about the act of asking someone else for help.  Sometimes just a word or short phrase that someone else provides makes all the

difference in the world.  

My phrase that changed my life didn't happen as a result of a direct question from me, but input that gradually happened over many months.  I worked with a gentleman named John Steele back in the early '80s.  John took me under his wing even  though he wasn't paid to do so.  At one point John said to me, "Debby, you're good, you're damn good."  Those six words changed my life.  They allowed me to believe in myself.  My career success accelerated from the moment forward.  John was smart enough to anticipate my question before I even had to ask it.  But if I had asked, it would have been, "What will make me feel successful?"

So my question to you is, "What question have you asked that when answered gave you clarity on exactly what you needed to do next?"

What a Difference a Day Makes!

Normally, when we think of networking we think of a business setting.  But really networking is all about developing that oh so important relationship -- in all areas.

This past week I had the experience of having the best and the worst in the medical world  -- and it was all about relationships.

Wednesday, I had my final follow-up appointment  in regard to my cataract surgeries.  I expected a 2 minute appointment with a doctor that I didn't even know, basically to get my eyes measured for a new eyeglass prescription.  When the doc asked how I was doing, I answered, "The cataracts are great, but my dry eyes are horrendous."  I expected him to defer, because of course I was not his patient in regard to that condition.  He surprised the heck out of me by sitting down and spending about 45 minutes (or so it seemed) with me, facing me, making eye contact and giving me information and resources that I had not been given by any other doctor.  He also gave me his card that included his personal cell phone number that he pointed out and said, "Please text me if you have any questions or want me to prescribe the drug that I gave you a sample of."  For those of you in the Toledo area, this gentleman's name is Dr David Bejot.  I would recommend him highly.

Thursday was another story.  I had an appointment with the dry eye specialist at the Kellogg Center at the University of Michigan.  In November I met with this doctor.  He prescribed a treatment where my tear ducts were permanently closed.  I told him that I was willing to do this, but that it was not going to solve the problem, because I had had Puntal Plugs (which do the same thing until they fall out) for years and it helps, but doesn't solve the underlying problem.  He told me to be positive.  Well to make a long story short,  as I had thought, it didn't work.  The reason for my second appointment was to determine what advanced treatments I could get.  I also took my daughter-in-law along and my hubby.  During the appointment, the doctor agreed that more serious treatment was necessary and he suggested the PROSE lens.  Hubby asked, "Will she wear those for the rest of her life?" and the docs said, "Yes, until she can't." 

Well, of course I wanted to know exactly what that meant.  He gave me a another non-answer and
then turned his back to me to work on his computer.  When I asked again to understand what he meant, he lashed out (still with his back to me) and said that he felt like a two year old with my questions.  At that point my daughter-in-law spoke up and said, Dr. ______, "I think you need to adjust the way you are speaking to my m-i-l, because no one speaks to her like that."  I then asked what the first step in the process was.  Again no answer.  Still his back to me.  At this, he stood and said, "Follow me."  What he was doing was taking me to a scheduling desk to make an appointment to see the doctor who actually fits the lens.  BEFORE ALL MY QUESTIONS WERE ADDRESSED.  I would NEVER recommend this man even if he were the last doctor on this earth.

The medical community is pushed to rush patients through appointments by insurance and big medical companies that want more patients per hour.  I totally understand that.  BUT, I challenge each of them to actually see the patient as a person, a real live person. Even if it is only for two minutes. It's all about the relationship, or in Thursday's case -- not!  And for those of you wondering.  At the scheduling desk, the helpful lady said that Dr. _______ had noted that I was to come back in 4 weeks to see him for a follow-up.  My d-i-l stood up for me and said, "No, we would like to choose a different doctor." 

I became aware of a couple helpful tips during my medical journey last week. 

1.  Don't assume that a doctor can't or won't help!
2.  If I am being bullied, I can leave the appointment immediately.
3.  I will always take someone with me to these types of appointments in the future.
4.  I can change doctors just because I want to!
5.  I have a right to be treated with respect my anyone, including those in the medical  community.

After all, if my relationship with the doctor has not garnered a bit of relationship and credibility, then, I won't be assured that this person can help me.

What has been your experience in regard to medical communication?

Don't Let it Get in Your Way

I had the pleasure this week of celebrating Nation Hijab Day at a panel discussion put on by Women of Toledo.

One panelist, Zobaida Falah, founder of Cure, was asked if she has experienced  discrimination in the business world because of her head covering.  She said that she has, but that instead of being a victim she uses that to motivate her to analyze her presentation or meeting to determine what she could have done better to get a better result.


I thought how that advice can certainly lend itself to the craft of networking.  Sometimes I reach out and are pushed back.  Either people are disinterested or downright rude.  But instead of getting all hot and bothered, I could just move on and ask myself, "Who else would be better for me to connect with?"

Perhaps it is not the people but the process I am using when networking. Am I too forward or not enough?  Am I not reading little signals that tell the world so much and do I need to get better at that?

How can you use Zobaida advice to your advantage?

It's Just Policy!

One of the best parts of meeting new people is that they always seem to have something to share that is valuable to me.  It is sometimes a name of someone, an event that I might like to go to or even a recipe!  But recently I got a phrase!

I met with Andrea Henning, an attorney here in the Toledo, OH area.  I was chatting about my frustration of people registering for my classes and then bowing out at the last minute.  (I'm sure that never happens to any of you!)  I shared that because of this issue, that I was going to again begin charging people when they sign up (we have a monthly payment plan) so that there is ownership and commitment on their part.  I hate to do it, but I have to!

Andi gave me a phrase that she uses when she lets a prospect know of her up front retainer, She says, "It's not me, it's the policy!" (Andi is a sole practitioner!)  I love it.  She laughs and says, "You'd be surprised of all the policies that I can come up with."

Thanks, Andi.  You helped me so much!

What policies have you invited that I might borrow?

Networking Makes Work, Work Make Money!

Do you ever sit there and say, "What should I do first?"  I am doing that right now!  I should be.....

1.  Texting my graphic artist with the next dates of the mini classes so he can get busy!
2.  Creating my second list of business friends to invite to our BNI visitor day.
3.  Deciding what to feed the incoming family this weekend and writing up the shopping list.
4.  Getting an appointment scheduled for after the chamber meeting tomorrow.
5.  Writing my month's worth of weekly presentations for November.
6.  Working out.
7.  Communicating with the current CN students.
8.  Calling the members from RRC for the membership committee
9.  Calling new BNI members
10.Recruiting new BOA members

There now that I'm totally overwhelmed, at least I have my list for the day!   But now that it is out of my head I can prioritize and start knocking each one off the list!

Sometimes networking is the same. Where do I start.  I think if you sit down and write down all the thing you are trying to achieve as a result of networking, then you can just start and peg away at your list.  Want to make new connections?  Call or email someone you met at the last event  you attended to see if they will meet you for coffee.

OK, got to go kick my list into gear!

Are You Coming from Scarcity?

Many years ago now, I asked one of my fellow BNI members to attend some Connext Nation event.  I don’t remember what it was, but it was probably free.  He launched into a verbal attack saying that all I wanted was money from him.  This diatribe went on for what seemed liked eternity, but probably only lasted a few long seconds.  I was so puzzled, because I am not the take it all, leave nothing behind type of sales person.

I mentioned this unfortunate incident to a friend who is much smarter than I and she said, “Debby, he is coming from scarcity.”  I had not heard this terminology before and asked for more explanation from her.  She explained that when people feel that they are not getting enough that fear takes over.  They will lash out inappropriately when pushed beyond a certain line that has been drawn in the sand by their mind.  Hence the attack that seemed to come from nowhere had been brewing for awhile and I was the unknowing trigger.  To say the least I kept my distance from this man at all times in the future.

Scarcity makes us all act in ways that we probably are not proud.  Beyond the lashing out mentioned above, we also tend to hoard or hold on tightly to anything we perceive as our own.  We don’t easily collaborate or give freely of ourselves. Recognizing these actions is important because most of us don’t want to push others out of our lives permanently.  Our emotions want more, but our actions are gaining less.

Years ago, the late Thomas Leonard, was an expert at sharing online coaching and marketing concepts.  He was way ahead of his time when he founded TeleClass.com in 1998 and had 100 TeleClasses being delivered in any one week.  I listened to many of his classes and was fortunate enough to even be on some with Thomas “live.”  A participant asked one time, “Aren’t you afraid that people are going to steal your ideas?”  I’ll never forget his reply.  He said, “I hope they do so, because I think you should give away 60% of what you have and know, but charge dearly for the remaining 40%.”  That phrase has been running through my life ever since then.

Scarcity behavior has a way of driving people and money away from you.  Is that the vibe you are putting out and if so, is it what you really want?

Push-back, Big-time!

 A friend of mine was recently rebuffed in her networking attempts.  You see, she had met a fellow business owner at a networking event where they shared a table. (Let's call him Joe)  She wanted to reach out to Joe just to further the connection.  The appointment was held, but constantly through the appointment, Joe kept saying, "I just don't know why you're here.  I don't need what you offer.  Why are we spending this time together?"

Of course, my friend was frustrated.  She was NOT selling her services and truly just wanted to get to know Joe.  But it didn't happen.  Because the walls were up. (In Joe's defense, probably he had been sold to in such an appointment previously.)

What did Joe miss by being so afraid?

• He missed the opportunity to meet a really neat woman who is fun, compassionate, interesting AND connected.

• Joe missed an opportunity to add to the resources available for his future needs or even his clients needs.

• Joe missed an opportunity to tell someone else a bit about himself in order to find a connection and perhaps a new friend. 

• Joe missed an opportunity to link to someone who could be a future customer/client.  And there is considerable competition in his business segment. 

How would you have handled this situation if you were in my friend's shoes?

Faucets and Fido

Last week I met with a new member of the Rocky River Chamber.  Ric Carpenter works in sales for Cleveland Plumbing & Supply.  I met him briefly at the monthly lunch meeting when I won his door prize..a very nice new shower head.  So I contacted him and suggested that we get together. 

First I got a tour of their new Rocky River showroom and it is truly beautiful and amazing.  I told Ric, that it will sell for him!  At lunch that day, though, I found an entirely different side of Ric that meant we could have talked forever.  He is active in dog rescue groups and from the sounds of it has been for quite awhile.  Currently he and his wife have two dogs that are rescues and also one rescued cat. 

What was so interesting about this whole exchange was that I asked just one extra question of Ric after we had talked about his work and his family.  "What do you do in the little bit of free time you have?"  That opened the door to this whole other side of Ric.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself to ask that one extra question, because I get so involved with business conversation.  I guess that is a good lesson for me to slow down and enjoy the exchange!

What surprising information have you found out about someone?

Even If It Scared Me

A couple weeks ago I was challenged to have lunch and a chat with someone that made me feel uncomfortable when I thought about contacting them.  Like so many, I had this voice inside my head that said,

"She's so much better than you are and at such a high level, she probably doesn't even know who you are."  

Because of the challenge, I stuck my tongue out at that voice and emailed this person, who happens to be the mayor of Rocky River, Ohio.  I had met her before, but it was just a fleeting meeting.

I didn't expect to hear back and I think secretly I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't.  I could say that at least I had tried!  But of course, Mayor Pam Bobst, graciously accepted my invitation.  I did bare my soul and tell her that I was total apolitical and she still agreed to have lunch.

The person that met me for lunch wasn't the mayor..... it was just Pam.  And we had a great 2 hour lunch. (I was feeling guilty that I was taking too much of her time away from the city!) where we talked about everything under the sun, including canning of fruits and vegetables.  I found a new friend and an awareness of how crazy those notions inside my head had been.

I have wondered since then, how many times I have held myself back because of that voice inside my head.

What stops you from taking the big challenges?

Don't Do This at Home!

Even the best of us bite the dust from time to time!

Today, I had an early Monday morning coffee appointment.  I looked on my calendar last night to see what my next day looked like and noticed this appointment with Amy, no last name, at Panera.  My convoluted brain immediately changed Amy to Kim (you know, three letter names!).  Kim is in my BNI chapter and I know that we have a one-to-one meeting scheduled.  Don't ask about my brain!

So when I arrived on the dot at Panera a young women was sitting at a table and she made eye contact with me like she knew me.  Not being Kim,
I was mystified.  I thought, "She just knows me from somewhere, " and to be nice I said, "Who are you meeting this morning?"  Smooth, I know!  I'm sure you've guessed the rest of the story, it was AMY and she said, "You." with a very puzzled looked on her face. 

Now to a 20 something year old, how do you explain Convoluted Brain Condition?  Try explaining this story to yourself and you'll see what I mean. 

But that's not the end, oh no! I could not remember anything about her.  Nada.  I gave myself a few minutes of thinking time by excusing myself to get coffee, but those certain brain cells did not ignite.  I do think I covered myself by saying, so tell me about what you're doing.  As soon as she said the first sentence, I put it all together.  I had met her at a networking event ONLY last week, but you know, my CBC got in the way!

What's your story that can top this????

Funny Story

So I was meeting with a women to get to know her and her business better.  Let's call her Susie.  During the conversation I invited Susie to a lunch that I host every other month with women who I've met that need to meet each other for various reasons.  As I was describing the people who had attended, Susie piped up and said, "Oh, I have several thousand dollars worth of make-up and skin care products that I would like to donate to one of the lunchers that I had described.  We'll call this new  person Linda.  I told Susie that I would call Linda to let her know of this generous offer.

Which I did.

So here's how the phone call went. 

Linda was delighted and said, "Oh I know Susie.  Her daughter and my daughter play soccer together.  Yes, I would like to talk with Susie about her offer and I've been meaning to call her anyway, because I have need of her services next week."

In a later email that I received from Susie, she said, "Thank you for connecting us.  Yes, I know Linda, but I don't think I knew her last name and for sure, I didn't know what she does for work."

The point of this story is two-fold.  

1.  As a connector, you can make a huge difference in people lives if you just listen to what they need!

2.  Do your friends and acquaintance know what you do?

Wait, What Does He Want?

A friend emailed me and asked me to meet with a young friend of hers who in his first sales job is selling knives.  She mentioned that he just needs to know how to get out with and meet with people he doesn't know.  I think that is networking, but then later in the email she mentioned that he doesn't need to sell anything to get paid, just needs to do a demonstration.

Right away it didn't feel right.  You see, she is asking for one thing, but then switching to another right at the end. 

One scenario is that he wants to learn to network.

Second scenario is that he wants to demonstrate his product.


One is all about relationship development and the other is pure sales.  Nothing is wrong with either.  It just is a mixed message about what is REALLY going to happen.

You and I probably can sense what is going to happen. As soon as I sit down with this young fellow, the knives are going to come out.  He is not interested in me, but only in making the presentation to get paid.  So in my book that is not a networking appointment.

I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet.  Have the appointment and stop him from demonstrating and explain the networking process?

Or just let it go? 

Sometimes I just have to let things pass. 

No Cows!

The question came from out of the blue.  It's a type that I tend to be very careful answering.  It goes like this,  "What can you tell me about (name of person)?"  



This time the query came from a trusted friend, but I still replied carefully.  I paused for what seemed like hours, but really probably was only 5 seconds, to collect my thoughts.

You see, the person, in question, we'll call her Suzy, was demonstrating that she is all "show."  She had signed up for several committees but had never gone to a meeting.  Recently literally at the last hour, she asked if there was any way she could help.  Good intention, but bad placement.

When I teach the referral-based sales course, we talk about finding out what goals and accomplishments people have.  Obviously, if we know their goals we can help them to reach them.  Even more important is to notice if their goals and accomplishments in line with each other.  If there are lots of goals and fewer accomplishments, or ones that are not in line with the goals, then that particular person (Suzy) has Big Hat Syndrome.  Oh, you haven't heard of that?  It means, big cowboy hat, but no cows!

I caution everyone to really look at their time before they sign up for anything that is related to community service. Not being active in the community can be detrimental, but being half active is even worse!

I Just Can't Figure This Out

Networking is an active sport.  You can't just sit on the sidelines and expect anything to happen.

I attended the annual speed networking event presented by the Rocky River Chamber of Commerce. Now I have to admit that this type of networking is not my favorite type, but this chamber does it well.  In one hour, we meet around 30 people.  But usually 80 are in attendance, so over half are still an opportunity waiting to happen.  Liz Manning, the Executive Director of the chamber, has it all under control, because by that afternoon, she has a complete list of attendees, with all the necessary contact information, out to all participants.  That's efficiency.  Five gold stars to Liz.


I look at that list as a challenge.  For each person that I schedule an appointment with, I use a highlighter pen on their name.  My goal is to have the page be all pretty green highlighter! 

It's always interesting to me in the way people reply.  Usually, I email from this list,  I have found that using the phone number means that I have to leave a message and more times than not it doesn't get returned.  I know, busy world.

So my message looks something like this:  "Good afternoon, Suzi, We were both at Coffee, Tea and Contacts on Thursday, and while we didn't get to meet, I wondered if you would be interested in getting together for coffee so that we could get to know each other with the idea of figuring out ways to help each other.  I will be available on June 3 or June  10 at these times. Would either day fit into your schedule?"

I use a similar message if we did meet.  

Many are glad to meet and we get something on the books.  Others get back with funny answers.  Funny as in odd.

Example:  "I'm busy both days."  That's it, the whole response.

Or

Example 2:  "I don't really see the need for us to meet."

Or

Example 3:  "I'm busy the rest of the summer."  We were just at the end of May when this happened.

And this is not just one person.  All three examples were from different people responding.  

I guess my question is, if you attend a networking event with no expectation of meeting beyond the event, why in the heck do you even bother????? OK, I'll get off my soapbox before I hurt myself.

And Now He Wants Me!

My son, Greg Peters, who writes The Reluctant Networker blog, recently wrote a post about the challenges of "feeding the fire" of networking to keep the relationships going.  I think we all have that issue and if we could wave our magic wand to figure out a way to regularly, connect personally with all those wonderful people we've met along the way, we would certainly purchase that contraption!

That being said, I have to tell about an experience I had just recently.  There is a person who resides in my address book.  In the past he has expressed interest in what I do, not only for him, but also for his team.

HOWEVER

Whenever I have invited him to an event or just tried to re-connect via email and phone, it's like my message has gone into the Bermuda Triangle.  For years.

I have removed him from my list of people that I notify when there is a fun event upcoming.

Just the other day, I received a request to connect with him on LinkedIn, which included a message that went something like this.  "Because you are so well networked, now that I need to recruit some people for my staff, I'd like to use you."  Well, maybe not exactly those words.

Needless, to say, I ignored the request.

Don't Let Anyone Invade!

I have this beautiful and annoying Cardinal outside my window.  His gorgeous plumage is nice to see this time of year when everything is still brown in Ohio, but there is a downside.  He sees himself reflected in our windows and thinks that another bird is invading his territory. Hence he spends a good part of his day attacking that gosh darn bird.  A very imaginary threat.

Sometimes we humans act the same way.  We see or hear someone that resembles us in what we do and we get our feather ruffled because of this imagined threat.  We  try to scare that  person away with our antics.  But like the window, it is probably not an effective strategy!

If I could only talk to the bird, I would tell him, "Hey Red, you're going to knock yourself out hitting the glass.  Then there will be a real threat, because "Kitty" might be lurking around the corner."

  Or if Kitty is inside, the wild coyote might be sneaking around the yard.  A red bird would be a nice lunch for either.

It's the same thing with us humans.  When we pay attention to stuff that doesn't matter, we miss other opportunities that may be even bigger and more profitable.

So are you hitting the window?  If so, how is that working for you?

The Surface is Just the Beginning

Recently I presented a talk about developing relationships within an association.  Keep in mind that an association can be a weird animal when it comes to networking.  Because, by its definition, it is a group of people who do the same thing, then each member can look at the other as competition.  So my talk was about how the linked connections between members could strengthen all of them.  Near the end I asked the group to pick partners to perform an exercise that I provided, which would help them to initiate conversation to get to know each other.

At the end of the exercise I asked for volunteers to share what they had discovered about each other.  Immediately, two men right up front offered to share!  One was a young and fit and the other was definitely on the other side! The younger of the two was so excited about his new friend!  He found out, in just a few minutes I allowed, that the older gentleman was a retired professor and that he has two PhDs, one in Latin, no less!  The older gent, asked simply, "How do I stop talking about myself?"

Great question!  But before I could interject, the younger guy said, "There was no way I was going to let him stop talking, he was way too interesting and I wanted to find out more!"

I am sure that those two will now feel more comfortable at the monthly meetings of this organization.  Their connection could help each of them in the future in ways that they can't fathom now. 

What's the most interesting connection you have made within one of your groups?